Without Merit

At dinner, Honor tells Barnaby that Utah wants to speak with him, but Barnaby refuses, claiming it is too soon to talk. Honor tells Barnaby that he is avoiding the situation, and she points out how Barnaby regularly exhibits this pattern of behavior. Barnaby, Victoria, and Honor leave dinner angry, leaving Sagan, Luck, and Merit.

Sagan continues to spend time with Merit. He attempts to sketch Merit but claims his work won’t accurately capture her image. They sit outside together, and Sagan asks Merit if she attempted suicide because he called her an asshole. Merit explains that she was impaired from the alcohol, and her emotions from years of strained family relationships snowballed, leading her to swallow her mother’s pills impulsively. She reassures Sagan that his role in the evening had little to do with her actions.

Merit asks Sagan why he kissed her when they first met if he assumed she was Honor. Sagan confesses that he did think Merit was Honor but believed he was seeing a new side of Honor that he hadn’t yet experienced, and he felt highly attracted to this different Honor. Honor is dating Sagan’s terminally ill friend, and Sagan would never want to betray his friend by developing a relationship with Honor.

Sagan’s body language communicates that he cares deeply for Merit and wants to pursue a relationship with her, but he tells Merit that she needs to work on loving herself first. This boundary upsets Merit, and she retreats to her bedroom. Sagan follows her and implies she is a hypocrite for running away from her problems after criticizing her family members for doing the same. Sagan kisses Merit, and Merit feels euphoric. Sagan tells Merit that if they begin a relationship now, her feelings for Sagan will distract Merit’s true feelings about herself. Although she is mad, Merit realizes that Sagan is right.

Luck visits Merit, waking her after she has slept all day. He tells Merit about his own suicide attempt and discusses, in general, the symptoms of depression with Merit. Luck tells Merit that he takes medicine daily for depression. Merit denies that she has depression, and Luck doesn’t argue with her when she blames her suicide attempt on the alcohol. He changes the subject to inform Merit that he is pansexual, not gay, as Merit had assumed, and Merit admits that she has lived a pretty sheltered life regarding sex and sexuality.

Luck slips a personal quiz about depression under the bathroom door while Merit showers. Merit takes the quiz only to prove to Luck and Sagan that she does not have depression. Still, she discovers that she is experiencing all the typical symptoms of depression: She feels sad, hopeless, and irritable; lacks focus and has irregular sleep patterns; and has attempted suicide.

Merit checks on Wolfgang with Moby, and Sagan joins them. Wolfgang is showing signs of improvement. Sagan apologizes to Merit for kissing her the previous night, and then he abruptly takes a phone call before Merit can respond.

Honor and Merit have a physical fight at dinner, both pulling each other’s hair. Honor still believes that Merit is lying about Utah, and she tells Merit that if Utah were going to molest one of his sisters, it would have been her, not Merit. Utah walks in mid-fight, and with the help of Sagan, he separates his sisters. He calls a family meeting, during which he apologizes sincerely to Merit for forcing her to kiss him years ago. He explains that he was feeling vulnerable after kids at school bullied him for being gay, and he kissed Merit to try to cure himself of his same-gender attraction. Utah describes the remorse he carries with him: “Every day, every hour, every second since then I’ve regretted that moment” (279). Utah and Merit promise to be better siblings to each other. Utah suggests that Merit pick the updated message for Dollar Voss’s marquee, and she focuses on forgiveness as she and Utah embrace.

Merit agrees to let Sagan tattoo anything he wants on her, and Sagan refuses to allow Merit to see the tattoo until it is healed in a few days. While he tattoos her, Merit asks about the meaning of one of his tattoos that says, “Your turn, Doctor” (286). It is the graffitied phrase that started the Syrian civil war. Sagan tells Merit that his father is Syrian, and his mother is American, and they met when his father came to the United States for medical school. They returned to Syria when Sagan was 10 years old, but sent Sagan back to the United States to live with his grandmother when the Arab Spring began, and the political climate became too dangerous. Sagan’s family was supposed to join him three months later, but it has been seven years since he has heard from them. Merit realizes Sagan always answers his phone quickly because he hopes to hear from his family. She feels guilty for being so dramatic about her family’s issues, while Sagan desperately wants to know if his family is alive.