Bad Mormon

Billy’s absence empowered Gay to pursue her growing love for photography. She used her creative vision to design elaborate, editorial photoshoots for her friends and family members. Photography offered both a creative outlet and a distraction from the reality of her failing marriage and new status as a single mother of three children. As the summer stretched into fall, Gay began to think about the Christmas card, which had been a point of contention between her and Billy. He believed that the card served her ego, rather than the Christmas season. Although Gay secretly agreed, she believed that a card was especially important, given the separation. Rather than use her Photoshop skills to add Billy to a family picture, she designed a card that only featured pictures of their daughters.

At this point in the separation, Gay and Billy were still legally married, and Billy still had keys to their house. He frequently stopped by, frustrating Gay, who felt like she had no say in the status of their marriage. When she changed the locks, Billy exploded in anger, and began to enter through the garage and spend even more time in the house, leaving messes and refusing to clean.

Despite her growing resistance to Billy, Gay still believed in the patriarchal hierarchy on which Mormon marriage is founded. She felt that the vows they had made in the temple were sacred and everlasting. Her expectations for the marriage were shattered one night when she asked Billy to stay with their kids while she volunteered at the Relief Society. She expected that being at home would remind him of the vows that he had made. Instead, she returned to find their young children completely unattended while Billy packed up more of his personal items. She realized that he did not plan to return home, and that he did not value their home and family life in the same way she did. After Billy left the house, Gay noticed that he forgot his wallet. When he returned for it, she tried to lock him out of the house, and the ensuing “scuffle” turned violent (202). Gay called the police, knowing that doing so might end their marriage, and Billy ran. He was charged with domestic violence in front of a minor, but was supported whole-heartedly by his family, who claimed that Gay was responsible for the downfall of the marriage.

Gay was shocked when Billy finally served her with divorce papers. She began going out with her single friends, trying to numb her feelings about the divorce. One night, while driving friends between birthday parties, Gay was pulled over for erratic driving. Although her blood alcohol content was under the legal limit of 0.08%, she was still charged with driving under the influence. The charge was later dropped to reckless driving, but Gay was deeply ashamed. She felt as if the horrible things Billy had said about her in their fights were true, and that she deserved to be alone. Gay confessed the accident and her other indiscretions to her bishop, and recommitted to the church.

When she finally revealed the divorce to her family, they universally encouraged her to try to make the marriage work. Desperate not to be alone, Gay arranged for herself and her daughters to spend Christmas in Hawaii with her brother who invited Billy to join them to encourage a reunion. Only one woman in Gay’s life—a married worker at the Relief Society—encouraged her to accept the divorce and move on while she had the chance.

Gay was forced to face the reality of her divorce when her daughter Georgia game home from school with an assignment that only showed four members of the family: Gay and her three daughters. When asked about her father, Georgia explained that he didn’t live with the family. That afternoon, the mother of a girl in Georgia’s class came by to confirm the news, and Gay realized that word of the divorce would spread rapidly among the community.

The stress of the divorce led Gay to be diagnosed with Bell’s palsy, a temporary but severe type of facial paralysis affecting one side of the face. In Gay’s case, the right side of her face drooped significantly and was completely immobile. Doctors warned Gay that relief would only come if she was able to relax. Gay took the diagnosis as a sign from God and likened her situation to a story from the Book of Mormon about a man named Korihor, who was struck dumb by God in an effort to save him from himself. Gay realized she needed to give up on her dream of being married and live her life for herself and her daughters.